Good/bad

Let's face it, we don't exactly treat ourselves very well. We stress, we are self-destructive even in minor manners such as smoking and drinking, we don't eat too well, we don't look after ourselves and we don't listen to our body's signals. Who hasn't gone to work or school with the flu?
But while we're being forced to live lives that do not motivate treating ourselves as we deserve, we are being plastered with images and literature on how we should treat ourselves better. Buy this new face cream, buy that specific brand of delicious alcohol (which, you know, is just a drug really, it doesn't do our bodies any good), here are 8 guidelines to a healthier living, don't forget your 600 grams of veggies today, buy a vacation to relax, you deserve to treat yourself with that something you can't afford and will be stressing about later.

This just doesn't combine in my head.


I don't know how to treat myself better. I know that I don't treat myself that well. How am I supposed to know when I have gone through at least 16 years of self harming? I've had a self harming and self destructive lifestyle for my entire life. And I feel like I am now being bombarded with all these ideas on how to live the good life, and I feel like I can see through them all. They seem so fake to me. Even my friends' advice. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're wonderful, it all goes in one ear and out through the other.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I must figure out myself how to treat myself good. That's just pretty fucking hard when you have no self esteem. When you think so lowly of yourself so that you hardly think you deserve to live. Tough shit, but that's how I feel. I'm not exaggerating to make a point, people are just often shocked because I put on my happy face. If I tell them that I hate myself, the reactions are even worse.

Do you treat yourself well if you just do what you want to? Honestly, the thing I want most right now is wine, a pack of cigarettes, a pot joint, to cut again and an orgasm or two (at least I still have my sexdrive, hah). And I want all people around me to disappear. I only want certain people around me, when I give them permission to. I wish all people I don't like would disappear from the grocery store, the bars, the streets, everywhere. Social anxiety means that going outside and seeing fucking people is about the same as someone intruding your private life.

Am I treating myself well by not doing these things, or am I not by not doing these things I really wanna do? I don't even know what to believe anymore.