Drugs

I'm seeing a psychologist. Once a week actually. I had a depression test done by a psychologist I was seeing, but who can't offer the treatment I need. My score was so high she thought I was exaggerating. From this score and my overall symptoms for a very classical, clinical depression, my new psychologist's best advice was to see her once a week and start taking antidepressants immediately.

At first I thought it would be fine. They're just drugs, right? I take drugs when I have bad period pains, so I can take drugs for a severe depression as well.

Then I was overwhelmed by doubt. There are so many side effects. Would my anxiety get worse, will I become tired all the time, will I get fat, how about orgasms, can I stop taking the drugs?? I don't have the answer for any of my questions. No one does.

I went to my doctor today. She thought drugs would be a good idea as well.  I went to the pharmacy and bought the drugs. I've read everything in the pamphlet that came with the meds. I don't want to take the drugs.

I am really scared. So far my anxiety is definitely worse. Just from buying the drugs and knowing I should take them. The list of side effects just go on and on. I don't even know if I should take them. I've been suicidal before and I've pretty much self harmed my entire life. I still want to harm, destroy myself.

That is the biggest con. That I will feel worse. Maybe not now, but then when I stop taking the drugs. I am going to take them for about a year. That's a fucking long time. I don't even know where I will be in a year. What I will do, who I will see, what I want, how I will feel. Having this urge to self harm in any way is the worst feeling I could ever imagine. Feeling like my entire body is on fire, a fire that can only be tamed if I just punch myself or scratch myself. I don't want that.

I've been reading about these drugs all morning. The pros are that I will feel better if they work. I will not feel sad and low all the time, though I will still be able to feel true sadness. I will be able to do stuff, concentrate. I will feel calmer. My anxiety will get better. The drugs help distorted thinking and actions led from distorted thinking, say punching yourself because you have failed. Maybe I won't feel this fucking shell around my body, this pain deep inside my heart.

I am going to take the drugs. I'm going to try. If it gets worse, I'm out. But I'm still fucking scared...

Good/bad

Let's face it, we don't exactly treat ourselves very well. We stress, we are self-destructive even in minor manners such as smoking and drinking, we don't eat too well, we don't look after ourselves and we don't listen to our body's signals. Who hasn't gone to work or school with the flu?
But while we're being forced to live lives that do not motivate treating ourselves as we deserve, we are being plastered with images and literature on how we should treat ourselves better. Buy this new face cream, buy that specific brand of delicious alcohol (which, you know, is just a drug really, it doesn't do our bodies any good), here are 8 guidelines to a healthier living, don't forget your 600 grams of veggies today, buy a vacation to relax, you deserve to treat yourself with that something you can't afford and will be stressing about later.

This just doesn't combine in my head.


I don't know how to treat myself better. I know that I don't treat myself that well. How am I supposed to know when I have gone through at least 16 years of self harming? I've had a self harming and self destructive lifestyle for my entire life. And I feel like I am now being bombarded with all these ideas on how to live the good life, and I feel like I can see through them all. They seem so fake to me. Even my friends' advice. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're wonderful, it all goes in one ear and out through the other.

I think I have come to the conclusion that I must figure out myself how to treat myself good. That's just pretty fucking hard when you have no self esteem. When you think so lowly of yourself so that you hardly think you deserve to live. Tough shit, but that's how I feel. I'm not exaggerating to make a point, people are just often shocked because I put on my happy face. If I tell them that I hate myself, the reactions are even worse.

Do you treat yourself well if you just do what you want to? Honestly, the thing I want most right now is wine, a pack of cigarettes, a pot joint, to cut again and an orgasm or two (at least I still have my sexdrive, hah). And I want all people around me to disappear. I only want certain people around me, when I give them permission to. I wish all people I don't like would disappear from the grocery store, the bars, the streets, everywhere. Social anxiety means that going outside and seeing fucking people is about the same as someone intruding your private life.

Am I treating myself well by not doing these things, or am I not by not doing these things I really wanna do? I don't even know what to believe anymore.