Drugs

I'm seeing a psychologist. Once a week actually. I had a depression test done by a psychologist I was seeing, but who can't offer the treatment I need. My score was so high she thought I was exaggerating. From this score and my overall symptoms for a very classical, clinical depression, my new psychologist's best advice was to see her once a week and start taking antidepressants immediately.

At first I thought it would be fine. They're just drugs, right? I take drugs when I have bad period pains, so I can take drugs for a severe depression as well.

Then I was overwhelmed by doubt. There are so many side effects. Would my anxiety get worse, will I become tired all the time, will I get fat, how about orgasms, can I stop taking the drugs?? I don't have the answer for any of my questions. No one does.

I went to my doctor today. She thought drugs would be a good idea as well.  I went to the pharmacy and bought the drugs. I've read everything in the pamphlet that came with the meds. I don't want to take the drugs.

I am really scared. So far my anxiety is definitely worse. Just from buying the drugs and knowing I should take them. The list of side effects just go on and on. I don't even know if I should take them. I've been suicidal before and I've pretty much self harmed my entire life. I still want to harm, destroy myself.

That is the biggest con. That I will feel worse. Maybe not now, but then when I stop taking the drugs. I am going to take them for about a year. That's a fucking long time. I don't even know where I will be in a year. What I will do, who I will see, what I want, how I will feel. Having this urge to self harm in any way is the worst feeling I could ever imagine. Feeling like my entire body is on fire, a fire that can only be tamed if I just punch myself or scratch myself. I don't want that.

I've been reading about these drugs all morning. The pros are that I will feel better if they work. I will not feel sad and low all the time, though I will still be able to feel true sadness. I will be able to do stuff, concentrate. I will feel calmer. My anxiety will get better. The drugs help distorted thinking and actions led from distorted thinking, say punching yourself because you have failed. Maybe I won't feel this fucking shell around my body, this pain deep inside my heart.

I am going to take the drugs. I'm going to try. If it gets worse, I'm out. But I'm still fucking scared...