Trying to escape your own body

I don't fit into my own body. I am convinced my own body is against me. Yes, I often don't consider my body as me, fully me. I don't know who that me is, but it's certainly not my body. I'm not into hippiecrap about my soul, but I view my own body as a disposable shell. I don't view others' bodies as that, this only applies to me.

You see, I am different from the others. Not in a sense that I'm better than everyone else. Everyone else is better than me, actually. They are able to enjoy themselves and they are able to live their lives freely. I am not. The true me is trapped.

I feel as if my body has been covered in some kind of shell. A thin, invisible shell, that yet is sometimes visible. It's the shell of self hate, destruction and sadness. Sometimes it is visible to other people, but mostly I put on my happy face and let it shine through. But the shell is still there. Only I feel it.

I feel as if everyone else is moving in a fast pace, while I am almost standing still. My insides are moving in the same pace as everyone else, but my body is frozen. I cannot keep up with everyone else. I am trapped inside my body.

I want to hurt my body. I have this urge to cut., scratch, bite, burn, I don't care. To just hurt myself. If I feel pain, at least my inner self is shining through. I need to harm myself, because I make so many fucking mistakes every day. I cannot fulfill anyone's dreams and wishes, not even my own. I am just so wrong all the time.

I feel so fucking trapped by this shell. It feels like a heavy brick is lying on my chest, even when I'm standing up. I feel nauseous, as if I am trying to escape through my mouth. My heart feels like it's either about to implode or explode. I want out. I want out so bad. I want out so bad that I'm disappointed to wake up in the morning. I want out of this shell of pure destruction and fucked up-ness.